Every moment of my life...From Past Till Now...

Sunday, July 31, 2016

We all have our different ways of dealing with our many issues in life...

I always find comfort and solace in soaking in the emptiness of the night. People might not understand why I choose to travel out at odd hours of the night, parking myself in a secluded area, away from the madness of the world, all by myself, accompanied only by the stillness of the night. I will look up upon the night sky, and gaze admirably at the stars and the moon. Such is the marvel of His wonders...

I am glad you also find comfort by gazing up at the night sky and looking up at the stars... Yes, they were exceptionally beautiful last night.

Retreating myself into isolation might not be the best solution. In fact, some might even frown upon it. But it is the best way, or rather, the only way I know how to heal myself. This week has been so difficult, both on the mind, body and soul... I tried my best to hide it from the world. But as you pointed out, it seems, the world knows...

Writing it out here does help... When I read back at the previous entries, I will force me to reflect, think back, and thereafter make a conscious effort to change.

I cant seem find peace at home. At home, I take on many responsibilities. A son, a brother... I give so much care to the people around me I have none left for myself. And it pains, at times, despite all my efforts, I am unappreciated...

In school, I shower so much love and care to those around me too, irregardless of who they are or what they have done. In the end, what is there left for me?

Which is why, at least once in a while, I retreat myself into the emptiness of the night. It is my own way, of healing, of recharging... Of pressing the reset button...

You asked me to love and forgive myself first... Believe me I am trying my best. The evil whispers in my heart always prove to me otherwise, that I am not worthy of forgiveness and love. Many a times I have wished myself gone from the world, but you taught me that there is so much more to live for. You taught me to stay strong and brave. You showed me that I mean so much more.

Like you, I also wish upon the stars... Wishes do come true sometimes, so please never stop wishing and hoping...

I am trying my best, please believe when I say it... I just need help sometimes. We all do...

I wish that my tears will just flow, rather than hiding up in my eyes... It is so painful. Just cry already. Real men do cry...

frm past till now at-
3:49 PM

Saturday, July 30, 2016

It seems, I can never hide anything from you. Even though we don't see each other...

I admit, I am a mess. My heart has shattered... I am struggling to find meaning in life

But to the world, let them see me smiling...

So world, now that you know I am not ok... Help me, please. Because what you see on the surface is still all smiles and laughter. But what's underneath, is a whole different story...

So hello world, here's me smiling back at you...

p.s. I'm a bear, and bears love hugs... So hug me, please?

frm past till now at-
6:53 AM

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

I can do it...

I keep telling myself, that I am ok... That I will be fine...

These few days, I am still all smiles. In class, I am still bursting with energy, tolerating whatever nonsense the kids throw at me with the widest of smiles...

But somehow rather...you can see it through it...

Am I really ok? Well... Only God knows...

But on the surface at least, let the world know that I am just fine... Splendid...

I guess that's all I can do for now... Is smile...

My tears it seems, shall remain locked in me for now... I want to, so badly... But they can't seem to flow, I'm holding it back, and it's not healthy.

So hello world, I am just fine... See my smile? That shall be my face for all to see...

I can do it...

But when I do slip and fall, from time to time, please help me... Extend your arm, pull me up, hold me close, and tell me again, that I am ok...

That I can do it...

frm past till now at-
9:39 PM

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The first day is always the most difficult.

Be it your first day in s school...

Your first day at work...

Or just the first day you are away, from someone you care for a lot, someone you treasure, someone you miss...

Seeing that empty chair, that empty table, my heart can't help but shatter into a million pieces.

But you wanted me to be strong, to be brave... And that is what I shall be... For you...

I might not be doing it for myself just yet, but who knows, when I do get brave enough, when I do get strong enough. Then maybe I could just do it, like how you would want me to.

It's day 2, and already I left school at 630pm on both days...

I still got a Long way to go...

It's so painful...

So excruciating...

And to have to mask it all in front of the world, it only hurts me that much more. I want to cry, I feel like flooding the world with my tears...

But the Malays have a saying, "Anak jantan tak mengangis!"... Real men don't cry

So contrary to what the modern saying goes, Real men do cry, and are not afraid to show their true emotions...

Maybe that's the problem. I'm a man stuck in both worlds, a traditional man living a modern world...

I am slowly losing it, and I can feel it. I am a ticking time bomb, only time will tell when I will explode.

I have never contemplated suicide, because of my faith. And I will never wish for more pain and suffering, for my family and friends by doing some thing so selfish.

But that said, I always ask God to take me sooner, rather than later. I have had enough, of living through the same ordeals over and over again. I am not strong enough... Sometimes I wish that I would just die in my sleep. Or get involved in some horrible fatal accident... But that would be selfish too would it? Imagine how crushed my mum, my dad, my sisters, my friends would be... How I can even think of such things...

It's still too early to say how I will turn out to be these next few days... I thought drowning myself with work would helped, but then I will just the same, no different at all... And no, I don't want to be that way, ever...

So let's hope this blog routine holds up, and hope that it will give me the much needed avenue of release.

I miss you so much... But I shall persevere on...

Do you want to know what "Azmi" means in Arabic? It means "courage"... so yes, I shall remain brave and courageous in heart, no matter how deep the pain and sorrow...

frm past till now at-
10:04 PM

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Love is a decision...

And I chose to do this...

It's harder than I thought...to let you go,and be brave. But I will do so, because that is what you would want me to be...

All the things I did, I did it with all my heart, without expecting anything in return... All I did, just to see you smile...

Does it hurt me?.... All the time

Am I willing?.... Always

Farewell my beautiful angel. This is not the end, just the beginning of a new chapter.

Selamat tinggal sayang...

frm past till now at-
1:40 AM

Sunday, July 17, 2016

I now realise, that I should have been more thankful, more grateful of what God has bestowed upon me...

I should be counting my blessings, rather than looking at my shortfalls. Why do I always see the things I do not possess, rather than be thankful for all the other things I already have? Such is the weakness of Man, we are never grateful...

Surah Ar-Rahman is one of my favourite chapters in the Quran. There is a line, that repeats itself over and over again.

"Which then, will the Blessings of Your Lord will you deny?"

Have you counted your Blessings today?

frm past till now at-
12:52 AM

Saturday, July 16, 2016

Have been meaning to write something down here for a while actually, but time it seems, has not been my friend.

Life is indeed, very weird...

I don't understand life sometimes. The more I try to understand it, the more I get confused, angry, frustrated. It seems, now more than ever, I have alot to events happening, that makes me question life even more. Why, why is this happening to me?

Why do You choose to do this to me?

Why do you not cast upon others the same tests you have been putting me through?

Why does it seem, You have blessed others with aplenty, but leave me with none?

If this is to be my path, then i accept it. But please Lord, all I ask if for the strength to carry on. Because I cannot do this anymore.

I am just sick and tired. The light at the end of the tunnel it seems, is diminishing from my sight. I don't know how long more I can hold on. I tell myself I am strong, I tell myself that all will alright in the end, But will it? I fear for my own sanity. I fear for my own life. I fear the worst.

If not for my faith and the love from those around me, I would have ended this a long time ago. But what good would that do? All I would have caused is pain and suffering, for those who truly loved me. I will never even think of putting them through this pain. And because of this, here I am, alive... But for how much longer? I ask Him sometimes, to take me sooner rather than later... I don't think my heart can take it anymore.

I am trying my very best, not to show any emotion. But it seems, I am a man who wears his feelings on his sleeve. My face is an open book...

I am sad, devastated even, to see her leave. But I accept that this is fate, something pre-ordained. I am powerless to stop it, just as I have been powerless to stop all that has happened this past few months.

Where will I find another angel like you? It took me 28 years to find you, and now, I have to let you go.

I am not as fortunate when it comes to friends. I mean, I have alot of friends, because of my personality (or so I think...) But they never seem to stay. They all leave me alone in the end...

Why? Why this again?

I can't do this anymore.

Correction: Life is not weird... Life is cruel.

frm past till now at-
10:38 PM

Sunday, July 03, 2016

"I need you in my life right now..."

In all 27 years of my life, I dont think Ive ever said that to someone. Not even a family member... Yesterday, I said it for the first time.

I really do...need her in my life right now.

I cant bear the thought of not having her around, let alone not talking to me and exiting my life completely.

I wont risk it, I cant...

Never before have the motivation to quit smoking been so great.

I know I can do it this time, because I have done it before. Only difference now, I am not alone... I hope I wont relapse like last time. I sincerely do... And of course, what she said in the car the other day, was 'motivation' enough for me to quit smoking... forever.

So angel, my promise to you still stands firm...

I need you in my life right now...

frm past till now at-
1:34 PM

Saturday, July 02, 2016

After what seemed like ages, (three full years to be exact), abangazmi.blogspot.com lives again...

I am fulfilling a promise I made to a friend, and here I am, revisiting something I thought I have turned away from...

Looking back at all my old entries, I realised that I was such an avid and active writer. This blog was my avenue of emotional release, a place where I could rant and vent about anything under the sun. And since I am writing for myself and not for popularity, this blog, was my own personal sanctuary. But I guess the turmoils of life got the better of me. And slowly, this blog withered and died, just like the owner...

But recent events gave me the reasons to start writing again. If not for this avenue of release, I am slowly losing my mind. Only those closest to me can feel it. But I know, that if i continue down this dark path, nothing good will ever come out of it. It will consume me, like it did before. Only this time, it will swallow me up whole, and never spit me back out...

Alot of happened since my last entry... ALOT

1) I have finally graduated from NIE, with honours mind you... so pat on the back for me on that one... But...

As I have predicted, once everyone went their separate ways, it is no longer the same. We spent 4 years together, seeing each other everyday, but now... I don't blame them, because everyone is so busy... Life is so cruel to me sometimes, taking away those I care for the most, and its happening, all over again... :(

2) I am no longer a motorcyclist... upgraded myself to a car driver.

A financial sacrifice I am willing to make, for my beloved family. For me, its a life ambition I have achieved for myself. I always knew growing up that one day, i will work hard enough to afford a car. But its not a simple as i thought. The financial struggle every month is so surreal, so excruciating. I find myself amazed at how I am able to survive on so little money left, after paying for all the things i need to be responsible for. But that said, I will never say no to an outing/dinner with my friends, no matter how broke I am, because at the end of the day, their company is what keeps me sane...

I have spent the last one year in Si Ling, and I must say it is definitely one of the best moments of my life. As usual, I started my stint mostly by myself. Because that is just how I am, I take a while to warm up to people. But that said, I always made it a point to smile to anyone I meet, along the corridor or in the staffroom, irregardless of whether they smile back at me or not. I guess being new, I didnt have the opportunity yet to interact with as many people in the staffroom...

But that all changed this year...

2016 will forever be embedded in my mind as the year of change.

Alot has happened, and its only July... God has blessed me with the company of angels, literally... Angels who are so beautiful, both in and out, in heart and in mind. I need not name my angels, for they know who they are... My time in siling has been made that much easier, with my angels watching over me...

But life, is so cruel sometimes. Just as I was enjoying and having the time of my life, life takes back what it has just given me. Slowly, one by one, my angels are leaving me...

And this is not the first time... everytime i get close to people, and basked in enjoyment of their company, they leave me... Every single time...

Maybe its just me...

Maybe I am destined to live my life on this earth all alone... a wandering soul with no one to call his own...

**And yes, this is the point I get all emotionally worked up, to the point I retreat myself into seclusion and shut myself from the rest of the world.

I have fallen hard... I have never felt so deeply about someone before... With all heart, I truly care deeply for her. But again, life just loves to mess with me. This time, due to religious circumstances, I know, no matter how much I wish things to be different, we will never be more than friends... And the feeling is slowly killing me. My heart breaks a little each day, knowing that all I can be to her, is just a friend.

But that said, although I am rational enough to understand, that I cannot change circumstances, that will not stop me from caring for her, from loving her with all my heart.

I just hope, at the very least, she will remember me, even long after we have parted ways. Because she will always hold a special place in my heart.

Now, that is one of the longest entries I have written in a long time... I should be feeling better right, now that I have vented it out... But I still feel hollow, empty inside. Why is life doing this to me?

I know, I am paying for all my past sins... and I accept it.

If I am destined to walk down the path of life in darkness and solitude, then so be it. I have lived 27 years of my life this way, I guess I will just continue walking on till the day I die. At this rate, that day will come soon...

Farewell... until we meet again soon, in the gardens of Jannah...

frm past till now at-
1:35 PM