Every moment of my life...From Past Till Now...

Monday, June 11, 2018

As I am writing this, I look upon today's date and realise, its been 6 full months since my last entry. I can blame a thousand and one reasons why I didnt write a single post all these months. At the end of the day, I only have myself to blame.

That said, I believe enough time has elapsed, that I dare say, no one reads this blog anymore. All except me that is. And for good reasons too. After all, these entries Ive written all these years serve as a reminder of my life, of day to day occurrences. And above all, what really goes on in my little fragile heart.

So many things has happened these six months. And I begin to wonder now, where do I even start? I guess Ill do what I normally do when writing my reports and stuff, I am going write them down in sections. So here I go.

1) Family

My sister is finally married. After what seems to be just a blink of an eye since her engagement back in 2016, my middle sis has safely tied to the knot to her boyfriend of many years. Yes, I now have a brother. A brother in law at that, but a brother nonetheless. How does it feel? Well, things are much quieter around the house. She was after all the more vocal of us. Our differences in personalities has caused much friction between me and her over the years. And there would be days when we would not even say a word to one another. But as the saying goes, blood runs thicker than water. I miss having her around the house, and I feel comforted by the fact she still visits us at least once a week. Its nice to know that she still makes the effort to come back home, though she has a new home to take care of. But as I reflect back on the fateful day of her wedding, it beckons me to wonder, if I will ever be as lucky, to walk down the aisle. People always say, my day would come, and that there is someone out there for me. But in all honesty, I cant see it. I want to believe that all the things people say to be true, but I lose hope. A little, day by day. As of now, my heart still hurts too much. Maybe one day it will heal, and it will learn to love again.

My youngest sis on the hand, has successfully graduated. Though it saddens me that she did not want to pursue a university education... yet, I believe she knows whats best for her. And as her brother, all I can do is to always lend her my unwavering support. She has a bright future. And the way things are going, she might just walk down the aisle before I do. So what if shes 10 years younger. If it is her time to settle down, then the elder brother would see it done. Does it make me sad? Yes, but if it is God's will, who am I to say otherwise...

My father has retired, just recently. I see him coming back home late almost everyday in the months prior, and we as a family believe that it is time for him to rest. He has worked long and hard for almost 35 years, putting food on the table for the family. My father is not an educated man, having just a primary school education to his name. But he has succeeded in putting 3 children through school all the way up to tertiary education. He is a man of few words. But I know, though unspoken, he was proud to have had a son hold a university degree. He and I may have been at loggerheads many times before, due to our egoistical nature. But I know, I take after him alot. Through him, I know the meaning of hard work and perseverance, and the true meaning of responsibility. Which is why when I wonder if I can pull through this career, and at times when I feel like giving up, I think of him. Now that hes retired, I take over his responsibility of the main breadwinner for this family. With my current income, I should be able to. It is my small way of repaying him back, for all his years of sacrifice.

My mother has been my pillar of strength my whole life. Growing up, I was always closer to her. And in adulthood, I always find myself going back to her, no matter how independent I try to be. Maybe this is one of the most glaring reasons why I am still single. I am too attached to my mother. And I know it would be near impossible to find someone who can take care of me just like my mother. Yes, I am a mummy's boy. I am not ashamed of it, but I know that there will come a time for me to let her go. I fear for that day to come. Because if anything was to happen to my mother now, I know I cannot live on further. I can only look to God to grant me strength. While she is still with me, I am cherishing every moment with her, because I know of the fragility of life.

After what seems to be such a long entry, I am not even at the end. Though it still hurts me, I need to pen this down. I am still not writing names, but I guess those who know me the best can guess just by the initials. I shall begin, in writing about...

2) Matters of the heart

I still wonder sometimes, why certain things happen to me? I dont see this things happening to anyone else I know. As I reflect back on the events of the past 2 years, I begin to understand one thing. It happens to me because there is no one else like me. Maybe there is and I have yet to meet such a person. But the uniqueness of my character has caused this to happen, not once but twice. All in a short span of a year or so. Allow me to describe myself in the best way I can, and see if you agree with me. I am a Malay Muslim man, whose years of Islamic education has ingrained me a certain code of morals I need to abide to. That said, I am also a liberal modern guy who enjoys the pleasures of what life has to offer. You can say that I am a guy stuck in two worlds. On one hand I am tied to the rigours of my religion, but on the other I am liberal enough no to be conformed by its laws. Complicated much? I know...

When I fell in love with E, and thereafter accepting the fact that we can never be more than friends, the heartbreak was too immense that I thought it would never happen again. Truth be told, I still feel the pain sometimes, but I am comforted by the fact she has met someone who could care for her the way I never could. And I am happy our friendship stayed on. And I dare say, with E, I see our friendship holding on for many years to come.

But who would have thought, that it could happen a second time. Same scenario, Malay Muslim guy gets close with a Chinese Christian girl. One date led to another, and another. And we soon find ourselves feeling a strong attraction we cant ignored. Like turns into admiration, which turned to affection, and finally, love. I have tried my best to not let history repeats itself, but I guess I am just a stubborn guy. I of all people should know the road it will lead me on, yet I chose to remain close with her. And now, I have to pay the price.

As with E, my relationship with C blossomed over time. And the feeling is mutual, as with E. My best friend said to me before, there must be a reason that attracts these girls to me. But sadly, the difference in religion is a hurdle that is too high to overcome. Though we both have admitted affection to each other, C and I can never have a future together.

My heart suffered dearly the first time around, and now it is happening all over again. I dont know if I can do it again, you know, recover and heal once more. But I have to right. I have so many people dependent on me, and I cant let them down...

It took me 40 minutes to write this long, and the time is late. I have so much more to write, so I shall try to find time to continue again. Hopefully not in another six months... All I can say is, I am hurting so bad right now. But like before, I try my best not to show it, though Ive been known to wear my feelings on my sleeves sometimes.

I still care for you, C, more than you know. And it pains me seeing you act like this to me. All I want is for us to remain friends. I miss you, so much. I miss the memories, and to be able to talk to you. But if time and space are what you need, then I respect it. No matter how much it hurts....

Because it does...

frm past till now at-
12:42 AM