Every moment of my life...From Past Till Now...

Saturday, July 02, 2016

After what seemed like ages, (three full years to be exact), abangazmi.blogspot.com lives again...

I am fulfilling a promise I made to a friend, and here I am, revisiting something I thought I have turned away from...

Looking back at all my old entries, I realised that I was such an avid and active writer. This blog was my avenue of emotional release, a place where I could rant and vent about anything under the sun. And since I am writing for myself and not for popularity, this blog, was my own personal sanctuary. But I guess the turmoils of life got the better of me. And slowly, this blog withered and died, just like the owner...

But recent events gave me the reasons to start writing again. If not for this avenue of release, I am slowly losing my mind. Only those closest to me can feel it. But I know, that if i continue down this dark path, nothing good will ever come out of it. It will consume me, like it did before. Only this time, it will swallow me up whole, and never spit me back out...

Alot of happened since my last entry... ALOT

1) I have finally graduated from NIE, with honours mind you... so pat on the back for me on that one... But...

As I have predicted, once everyone went their separate ways, it is no longer the same. We spent 4 years together, seeing each other everyday, but now... I don't blame them, because everyone is so busy... Life is so cruel to me sometimes, taking away those I care for the most, and its happening, all over again... :(

2) I am no longer a motorcyclist... upgraded myself to a car driver.

A financial sacrifice I am willing to make, for my beloved family. For me, its a life ambition I have achieved for myself. I always knew growing up that one day, i will work hard enough to afford a car. But its not a simple as i thought. The financial struggle every month is so surreal, so excruciating. I find myself amazed at how I am able to survive on so little money left, after paying for all the things i need to be responsible for. But that said, I will never say no to an outing/dinner with my friends, no matter how broke I am, because at the end of the day, their company is what keeps me sane...

I have spent the last one year in Si Ling, and I must say it is definitely one of the best moments of my life. As usual, I started my stint mostly by myself. Because that is just how I am, I take a while to warm up to people. But that said, I always made it a point to smile to anyone I meet, along the corridor or in the staffroom, irregardless of whether they smile back at me or not. I guess being new, I didnt have the opportunity yet to interact with as many people in the staffroom...

But that all changed this year...

2016 will forever be embedded in my mind as the year of change.

Alot has happened, and its only July... God has blessed me with the company of angels, literally... Angels who are so beautiful, both in and out, in heart and in mind. I need not name my angels, for they know who they are... My time in siling has been made that much easier, with my angels watching over me...

But life, is so cruel sometimes. Just as I was enjoying and having the time of my life, life takes back what it has just given me. Slowly, one by one, my angels are leaving me...

And this is not the first time... everytime i get close to people, and basked in enjoyment of their company, they leave me... Every single time...

Maybe its just me...

Maybe I am destined to live my life on this earth all alone... a wandering soul with no one to call his own...

**And yes, this is the point I get all emotionally worked up, to the point I retreat myself into seclusion and shut myself from the rest of the world.

I have fallen hard... I have never felt so deeply about someone before... With all heart, I truly care deeply for her. But again, life just loves to mess with me. This time, due to religious circumstances, I know, no matter how much I wish things to be different, we will never be more than friends... And the feeling is slowly killing me. My heart breaks a little each day, knowing that all I can be to her, is just a friend.

But that said, although I am rational enough to understand, that I cannot change circumstances, that will not stop me from caring for her, from loving her with all my heart.

I just hope, at the very least, she will remember me, even long after we have parted ways. Because she will always hold a special place in my heart.

Now, that is one of the longest entries I have written in a long time... I should be feeling better right, now that I have vented it out... But I still feel hollow, empty inside. Why is life doing this to me?

I know, I am paying for all my past sins... and I accept it.

If I am destined to walk down the path of life in darkness and solitude, then so be it. I have lived 27 years of my life this way, I guess I will just continue walking on till the day I die. At this rate, that day will come soon...

Farewell... until we meet again soon, in the gardens of Jannah...

frm past till now at-
1:35 PM