Every moment of my life...From Past Till Now...

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

The first day is always the most difficult.

Be it your first day in s school...

Your first day at work...

Or just the first day you are away, from someone you care for a lot, someone you treasure, someone you miss...

Seeing that empty chair, that empty table, my heart can't help but shatter into a million pieces.

But you wanted me to be strong, to be brave... And that is what I shall be... For you...

I might not be doing it for myself just yet, but who knows, when I do get brave enough, when I do get strong enough. Then maybe I could just do it, like how you would want me to.

It's day 2, and already I left school at 630pm on both days...

I still got a Long way to go...

It's so painful...

So excruciating...

And to have to mask it all in front of the world, it only hurts me that much more. I want to cry, I feel like flooding the world with my tears...

But the Malays have a saying, "Anak jantan tak mengangis!"... Real men don't cry

So contrary to what the modern saying goes, Real men do cry, and are not afraid to show their true emotions...

Maybe that's the problem. I'm a man stuck in both worlds, a traditional man living a modern world...

I am slowly losing it, and I can feel it. I am a ticking time bomb, only time will tell when I will explode.

I have never contemplated suicide, because of my faith. And I will never wish for more pain and suffering, for my family and friends by doing some thing so selfish.

But that said, I always ask God to take me sooner, rather than later. I have had enough, of living through the same ordeals over and over again. I am not strong enough... Sometimes I wish that I would just die in my sleep. Or get involved in some horrible fatal accident... But that would be selfish too would it? Imagine how crushed my mum, my dad, my sisters, my friends would be... How I can even think of such things...

It's still too early to say how I will turn out to be these next few days... I thought drowning myself with work would helped, but then I will just the same, no different at all... And no, I don't want to be that way, ever...

So let's hope this blog routine holds up, and hope that it will give me the much needed avenue of release.

I miss you so much... But I shall persevere on...

Do you want to know what "Azmi" means in Arabic? It means "courage"... so yes, I shall remain brave and courageous in heart, no matter how deep the pain and sorrow...

frm past till now at-
10:04 PM